Yce9Phire

what can i say about myself?

Art is not only a medium of expression but also a medium of self-reflexion. I love telling stories and creating worlds, I love getting lost in that process with all its peculiar possibilities.

And some time ago I uncovered some very odd things about my own self by looking through my characters' eyes.

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Esme Sturm, protaginist of my fanfiction Inkheart meets Dragon Age, has to face a quite wild journey to just uncover her true self.

Esme started as my own imagination of who I could have meant to be but during working on her story she evolved to some character with her very own personality. She still shares some of my traits, which makes it easier for me to understand her feelings and deeds, but she has also developed traits I don't own myself. I won't mention which.

I do process some traumatic events in my own past through Esmes story (I won't mention them) but I decided to distort them through a "broken mirror". That was the original reason behind my story. This "broken mirror" gives me a lot of options for my fantasy setting (especially shape-shifting) and it also allows me to confront my very own nightmares under protection of powerful imaginary guardians.

Esme's struggle in chapter 1 and 2 (edit: I extended this phase of her story into 3 chapters), for example (and this is the only explanation I'll give so far): she knows where she is, how to talk and what to act -- but she learned it from the outsider's perspective. She looks like one of them and wished to be with them but she realises that she doesen't belong there and is seemingly causing an apocalyptic amount of trouble just by being there. She's an imposter but not by her own decision.

That's my own experience. Me growing up was constantly learning from an outsiders' perspective. I was asigned as female, supposed to be average, forced to fit the norm.

I am not (neither I was, nor ever will be) a woman, but was forced to grow up in female roleplay. I learned to act female from an early age and was so good at acting that I even convinced my own reflection. But it felt hollow and some day my own construct broke.

I was supposed to be on an average level of intelligence, get good grades by discipline and hard work, get a nice job and marry to have children at a certain age. It wasn't my fault, that I was born with an IQ higher than my height. It wasn't my fault, that needed to do nothing more than listening a few minutes to someone who knows what they're talking about to assimilate knowledge and build up skills -- and especially it wasn't my fault, when I failed because I listened to an unqualified teacher. When you experience learning that way you drop the hard work aspect because you feel superior. And none even cared WHY I was costantly failing. They just weren't interested and declared me mentally disabled (which I wasn't, by the way -- at least not at that time). There was no one I could turn to asking questions, for I needed to discuss topics seemingly nobody understood, cared about or even considered discussable. (Example:

I asked my grandmother why everyone paints rainbows in 6 or 7 colors when I see 9. And she answered: "You can't see what's not there." More than 2 decades passed since then and I'm still holding a grudge for that. Dear adults out there: when you don't know just admit it! A child won't blame you for not knowing something. And nowadays there's youtube! You don't have to know everything -- just know, where to drop your children's questions!)

This kind of frustration is the basis to Esmes struggles during the first two chapters, but Esme in this situation is already mature enough to understand what's going on and to decide who to ask. She's not as helpless as I was. And that helps me, to make peace with my own past.

Tintenherz meets Dragon Age is my way to make peace with myself.

What about your stories?